Zombie Standup, the Zombie Standup Comedian

Me…Zombie Standup. You…required to buy two-drink minimum, although juice or soda also okay.

Have you seen these ads for Accidentally on Purpose on CBS? I know, right? Well, what would happen if I accidentally switch the channel…on purpose? What would the executives do then?
— No worries. Some of my jokes are more like “Hm, he’s right” than laugh-out-loud. But you guys look politically savvy, let’s talk some politics.

I’m telling you, politics are crazy these days. Now Obama’s tossing around the concept of universal healthcare. Where was that when I was hiding out in my basement, frantically shoving chairs and dressers up against the door to try to block the encroaching zombie population from infecting me with the Z1-N1 virus? THAT’S when I needed universal healthcare. It’s a bit too late now, people!
— Sure, many of you are still upset about that, I understand.

Apparently the President told the nation’s schoolkids to wash their hands frequently to avoid the swine flu. I mean, I’d Purell, but then the rest of my zombified flesh would…decrepit…rotting…
— Agreed, the swine flu probably doesn’t compare to the Z1-N1 virus. That was worse. You humans are still touchy. I get it. Moving on.

You heard about this Congressman from South Carolina who shouted out during the presidential address this week? I’d like to give him a piece of my mind. And then eat a piece of his.
— I happen to enjoy brains a fair amount.

Ouch, feedback. Is this thing on? Of course it is, I know that. Because after they did the mike check, I ate Mike. Check!
— Mike was the sound guy.

You’ve seen this Tila Tequila chick on VH1? She’s famous for being famous. Don’t let it go to your head, lady. Of course, I’ve never let fame go to my head — first I’d have to be famous!
— You thought I was going to make a brains joke there, didn’t you? Please. I’m better than that.

Oh, a heckler. You know what? I WILL INFECT YOU, YOUR BRIDGE-AND-TUNNEL GIRLFRIEND, AND YOUR BRAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII —
— No. I will NOT sink to that level. Please respect my craft, as I would respect yours. Thank you.

Some people look at me, they say, Zombie Standup, when are you finally going to be the headlining act? I say…man, I don’t even remember what I say. A little rattled here. Let me check my…hold on…other pocket. Where’s that blasted…Oh well, I guess my point was, the only place I’ve ever headlined was the Dawn of the Dead remake, and even there I got second billing to a special effect.
— That’s actually true.

Speaking of zombies, remind me to tell you about my job as a packer at Whole Foods.
— More like Whole Week’s Paycheck.

Jay Leno asked me to be on his new show. I said, Sure, where do you want me to sit when I arrive? He said, You can pick any seat in the audience.
— Okay, wow. Now I know what Simon & Garfunkel meant when they sang that song. I’m referring to “The Sounds of Silence.”

You know what? Being up here is a lot harder than it looks. So are my muscles, which is why I walk with my arms pointing straight forward.
— Rigor mortis. I’m very serious about that.

This place is deader than I am.

Who here saw Up?